LUSHTICE

Three years ago tonight my Grandfather lost his battle with Lung Cancer.

Saturday morning we found out my Grandmother’s Lung Cancer is terminal. After several rounds of chemo & radiation - there’s simply nothing more they can do to fight it. For a long time the tumor was shrinking, but apparently that’s not the case anymore - it’s growing. And there’s nothing they can do about it because she’s “all chemo-ed out” and honestly.. it’s lung cancer… there’s no cure… I know, we all know. My grandmother’s really upset - rightfully so. She was sobbing on the phone on Saturday about how she’s going to miss me & my brother and wants to take us with her. I cannot even begin to explain how much that breaks my heart.

This woman has been battling cancer since 2005. First it was Breast Cancer - which she successfully beat - after being through the worst of it while her husband was dying. Everything was great for awhile and then bam - more cancer - Lung Cancer. She was admitted to the Hosptial on Friday morning with fluid in her lungs and general fatigue - they broke the news to her early Saturday morning awhile she was alone that she only had a few more months to live. Seriously?! They couldn’t have picked a better time? I guess it’s never a good time to tell someone that they’re going to die.

For whatever reason my Grandmother’s never been good at saying “I love you” but once in a great while - usually when she’s in the hospital - she throws it in there at the end of a conversation. I don’t need to hear her say she loves me - I know she loves me. But when she does say it - I start to worry. I don’t know what to say to her - other than “I love you.” I don’t know what to do for her - other than be there for here and try to put on a brave face and hold back the tears.

I guess she refuses to go to Hospice. Or to move in with one of my Uncles. Instead a Hospice nurse is going to visit her. And all they can really do for her at this point is make her comfortable and make sure she’s not in pain. She had surgery to remove the fluid, put some sort of tube in her lung… this is all supposed to help her breathe/eat easier. They had to put her on a ventalator. That scares me more than anything because when my grandfather went on a ventilator that was it. Thankfully, my grandmother is off the ventilator and going home tomorrow.

I haven’t fully come to terms with this news — I try not to think about it because then I get upset and start crying. I don’t want to cry because there’s so much crying to come in the next few months.. weeks.. days. I have to put a brave face on for my Mother, who really still can’t come to terms with her Father’s death. Maybe it’s not the best idea to keep everything bottled up inside - but believe me I’m letting it out every chance I get. I’ve been bursting into tears in the shower, in the middle of my sleep, in the middle of a song….. it’s so much to wrap my head around.

I think I’m honestly more upset now than I was when we found out about my Grandfather. That’s not to say I didn’t love my Grandfather an equal amount, because I did.. I do. I think it has something to do with the double blow I received Saturday morning. Not only is my Grandmother going to die — We have to put my dog to sleep before that happens. As you can imagine I’m an absolute wreck about that as well. Either one of these pieces of bad news alone would hurt - together? I feel like the world I knew, everything that comforts me is shattering. It’s bad enough to have to deal with one blow like this. But two at the same time? I’m not sure I have the strength. I realize none of this information is shocking - but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I keep finding a positive in all of this, but I can’t. I’m just trying to process everything at this point.

I’ve never been one to deal well with death. I spend a great deal of time thinking about my own death. Not how it’s going to happen, or when it’s going to happen..  but what’s going to happen when I die? where will I go? will I know what’s happening? Things like that. I’m scared. Like terrified scared. And that’s why I try not to think about it And I’m pretty good at blocking the thoughts out of my mind. But they are always there and when someone close to me dies they flood right back up to the front burner.

I’m sorry…  I’m just kind of posting whatever comes to mind right now.

I really fucking hate cancer - particularly lung cancer. And I already fucking KNOW I’m doomed to encounter it so many more times in my life. Hell, I’m probably going to have some cancer. Fuck, someone just find a cure to it already.

Please give me something to take my mind off everything.

xo,

Jillie