LUSHTICE

“I am coming up with new ways everyday to stay right where I am.” - Staring Back

We’re not even through the first month of the new year and already this is shaping up to be the worst year of my life. Maybe it’s good everything is happening all at once… maybe it’s going to make me a stronger individual once I finally get things back on track… maybe there really is a meaning behind all of this — everything happens for a reason? I just really don’t care about life’s reasonings right now.

The events of last Friday night/Saturday morning have made me lose so much respect for the human race. I’ve been sick to my stomach & upset with myself when I know that I damn well can’t go back and change what happened — but I can’t stop wishing that I could. It makes me so angry to think about how a service that is meant to help the public can end up hurting them so much. How the hell do you run a reputable company when your employees are running (or driving) around down right robbing the customers. I realize times are tough - I realize there was a lot of fault on our end — but I will never fully comprehend how NO ONE of authority could care about this situation. I guess I was never cut out for city life — small town girl livin’ in a lonely world, right?! And people wonder why I’m so negative a lot of the time. It’s because I’ve learned that when you trust people - when you put your faith into people - you’re just fucking kidding yourself. People are disgusting. I am disgusting.

I want so much out of life. So much out of this upcoming year. But I’m having a hard time figuring out where to go from here. No one ever said life was going to be easy. And I’m not saying that I expect it to be. All I can do is try to find a positive in all of this and keep working on myself. My biggest goal for this year is to learn how to be social without a bottle in my hand. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Just like when you’re first learning to ride a bike, right?! You fall down and you get back out there. That’s all you can do. I’m about to turn 24 - it’s time I start acting my age. I need to get it together and get the hell out of the Buffalo area. It’s hard to beat your demons when the bars are open until 4AM and the nights are so cold and lonely that you cuddle up to a bottle. I want to be the type of girl that has a glass of wine with dinner - not a bottle. I don’t know if that’s possible, but I like to believe it is. But maybe that’s part of the “disease” and maybe it’s not?

Don’t expect to see a lot of me this year, friends. I have a lot of rehabilitation to do before I can re-enter the social world. But if you’d like to grab a cup of coffee some time.. I’m all ears.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that my ankle is fucked up beyond belief, my electronics & identification were stolen, and I can’t go anywhere for the foreseeable future. Maybe it’s the kick in the ass I need?

xo Jillie

PS: I want my $2 shades back more than anything right now — how sad is that!? When did I become such a materialistic person?